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Richard James Edwards' Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Richard James Edwards

[ website | loser, liar, fake, or phoney ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[02 Jan 2003|09:45am]
[ mood | tired ]

Long time no update. I don't know why, seeing as how I have nothing to do all day. Well, I have a job, but I'm on holiday now. Perhaps I should tell more about my life after leaving. After I disappeared, as you all know, I lived in my car for a short while, but then I figured I'd be found. So I went to a dodgy place in London, got a fake passport, and bought a plane ticket to New York City. After a month of living there, I decided it was worse than hell. I had money for 6 months after I left, you know. Nobody knew. So I bought a plane ticket and left. Now I'm here. I work as a waiter in a small resturant. Nobody has recognised me yet. Or if they have, they have not said anything to me, and to newspapers. I am quite thankful for that. Well, in the way I am thankful for things. The guilt of leaving has gnawed at me. I write letter upon letter to Nicky, but never send them. I have a simple lifestyle. A small flat. I stay here when I'm not working. I have food sent here from the local grocery store, and I pay the person who delivers them. Well, I go out once every few months to buy new clothes, but only to one store. I just want to be alone. I should really find a different job because I'm so fucking scared that one day I really will be recognised. I need a job where I'm not around so many people. I have kept up with news of the band. I do like their new music. I live under a fake name here, so I safely get the NME sent here. I'm not in the UK, if that's what you're thinking. I'm smart enough not to still be there; I'd be recognised really quickly.
Well, happy new year to you all.
I love you, Nicky, James, Sean, Mam, Dad, + Rachel. Nicky, tell them I love them if you have already told them about this journal. Tell them they can read it. I just can't bare to come back. Not right now. I'm sorry.

Richey x

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die in the summertime. [01 Sep 2002|08:01pm]
I have decided that I want to go back to Wales. See Nicky. See my family. See James and Sean. Apologise for hurting them and tell them simply that I had to do it.
But I know I'd just leave again. I can't put them through that again. I'm not stupid, I'm aware that they went through pain. I saved them some, in fact, that's a reason that I did go away, so that they wouldn't be pained by seeing me every single day.

suicide is painless.....so why can't I do it?
oh I'm just as much as a pathetic fuck as I ever was. I shouldn't be living.
8 comments|post comment

[23 Aug 2002|07:05pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I apologise for the lack of updates. I have been just too caught up in my own head and too depressed to write anything for the public to see. I have plenty of writing in my own journal and plenty of songs written that will never be played, but I write write write, it's what I do, it's what I've done, it's what I shall continue to do, to pass the days and the boredom and the loneliness, for there is nothing else to do. I live in a place where nobody knows me, so that's good, but I still rarely go out into public because people make me afraid, I'm very antisocial now. I need to be alone. I do have a telly but I rarely watch it because the news just makes me upset and other shows are so daft. Movies are just as stupid. I listen to c.d.s a lot, I still am so in love with music. I need - no, I wish I had- something to do with my life. I'm alone with myself all of the time and I can't stand it any more than I could 10 years ago. I ran and hurt others, but I can never escape myself, and it's horrible. I think that as every day passes, suicide becomes so much a better idea because I used to be stronger, I still am, but I'm just so fucking tired of it that I don't care anymore if I'm strong or not, I just want it to be over. I am 34 years old, why am I not better? damn.

1 comment|post comment

[13 Aug 2002|11:08am]
[ mood | blank ]

So, I suppose that people would like to know what I've been doing for these past seven years, aye? Well, I will not say where I'm at, but I've been working in a book shop, making enough to get by, I live a simple life. I still keep up with the band, buy music magazines and the c.d.s they've released, I think they're doing quite great, I'm glad they have their success; I just ruined it all for them. I never should have been in the band. I love them still so much, I do plan to contact them all some day, I have left Nicky a comment to his last post, I hope he can forgive me for everything. I just needed to do what I did. I'm a selfish person. I just wish it didn't hurt them like it did.
My depression is still in me. The demons, still my evil friends. I've come to accept the fact that this is a part of me. I will never get better. I do attempt to enjoy what I can, even though it's not enough to say my life is great and that I'm happy. I'm lonely and depressed, what can you expect?

I love you Nicky.

7 comments|post comment

little people in little houses, like maggots, small blind and worthless [12 Aug 2002|02:43pm]
[ mood | tired ]

well.....I got a journal.


Looks like I'm still alive.

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